Catch of the day

"I didn't intend stripping off that much, but they were yelling for more and I threw everything."

John Arne Riise after beating Chelsea

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league"

Mark Viduka

Goalkeeper Petr Cech was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.

"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"

A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. then Petr, stepped forward. "I'm a professional goalkeeper," he called to the woman. "I'm renonwned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."

The woman agreed:"Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."

On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as Petr Cech lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.

True Love

HER DIARY:

Saturday 13th October 2009

dear diary

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY:

Saturday 13th October 2007

dear diary

Bayern lost. heartbroken. Got a shag though

Fairy good

On the way home from a game in which his team were yet again thoroughly thrashed, Billy spotted a fairy drowning in a pond. Bravely Douglas dived to the rescue, scooped the little fellow out, and placed him safely on the grass beside the pond.

‘Thank you very much,’ spluttered the fairy ‘for your good deed I shall grant you a wish.’

‘Woohoo’ yelled Billy ‘can I have a huge bundle of infinite gold?’

‘Actually’ apologised the fairy ‘gold is so very difficult to get these days – is there perhaps something else?’

‘Could I have an enchanted castle high in the clouds to live in?’ asked Billy excitedly’

‘I’m so sorry’ replied the embarrassed fairy ‘but we ran out of enchanted castles hundreds of years ago.’

‘I know’ squealed Billy in delight ‘you would make me the happiest person in the world if you could arrange for my team to win the league cup.’

There was a few minutes hesitation then the fairy whispered ‘On second thoughts, I probably could manage to get you that castle and some gold . . .’

Good Manager

You know the manager isn’t taking the job seriously if -

He has a Jacuzzi installed in the dugout.

He refuses to travel to away games.

When he IS at away games he is sitting in the home fans section

And then he only cheers when the opposition score.

He'd rather be managing a tennis player

He never bothers to learn the domestic language

He spends more money on booze than buying players.

His ambition is for the team to be third division champions – and they’re currently in the first division

Fables it would seem...: It Goes on

Fables it would seem...: It Goes on

It Goes on

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."

Billy has played the beautiful game every Sunday for his local club. His left knee had been giving him trouble for awhile, but recently the pain had been even worse than usual so he decided to see a doctor.
When he arrived at the surgery, the reciptionist told him he could see the doctor in 20 minutes but first he would have to give a urine sample. Billy said that it seemed crazy to give a urine sample to help solve his knee problem. However the nurse insisted, so eventually Billy complied. Half an hour later he was invited to see the doctor.
"So, that knee is giving you trouble again, eh?" said the doctor almost immediately. "The nurse must have told you then," said Billy, wondering how the doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urine analysis," the doctor replied. "We've got a new urology machine which can diagnose every physical condition with complete accuracy."Billy didn't believe a word of it, but nevertheless he agreed to provide another urine sample on a check-up visit. A few days later, Billy was sitting at the table with his wife and daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when he decided to have a little fun with the doctor. He peed into the sample bottle, as did his wife and daughter.
Then he had the idea of giving even more to the proceedings. He added a few drops of motorbike oil to the bottle and finally had a wank and put a few drops of semen in with it too. He returned to the doctor's surgery, shook the bottle and handed it to the nurse.
This time the urine analysis took an hour. Finally Billy was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V .D., your motorcycle's about to break down and if you don't stop wanking, that knee's going to get even worse."

Wrong Number

Cristiano Ronaldo calls home on his way there after leaving the Santiago Bernabéu one day, but the maid answered. When Ronaldo asks to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's entertaining her boyfriend". After nearly losing control of his ferrari and cursing fuming for a minute, Cristiano Ronaldo asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a 'job', she said. "Just tell me what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my magnum from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps racing back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?" Ronaldo says, "wrap them in a rug, put that rug in a plastic bag then take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 9177 3125?"